Stop Running!

I became a woman in the 1980’s when big hairdos, shoulder pads and power dressing was the vogue.  I believed a lie that as a woman I could have it all:  a career, a home, a family, health, beauty, wealth, and happiness.  Falling for the lie was not all that difficult as I was running from my mother’s misery which I associated with a housewife’s lot in life with no financial means or identity of her own.  I did not have a plan, nor did I really have a dream. The glossy women’s magazines of the day fed a vague hope and a lie. 

At the age of twenty-seven, with two children under three, a failed business and little cash I was diagnosed with post-natal depression.  As a part of getting well, I swapped the women’s magazines for self-help and motivational books of the 1990’s.  I decided to get balance in my life so added exercise and church attendance to my family and business activities. Now I was full of vague dreams of wealth and success and a belief that all things were possible if I just tried harder.  

In my thirties, my husband and I grew our business, built a grand home, leased new vehicles and hardly stopped to take a breath, let alone ‘smell the roses’.   By 2000 I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  We were in debt and were indebted to others to keep the treadmill of life and our lifestyle going.  My body was running so fast my soul could not catch up. 

I realised that in spite of all the trappings of success the thing I lacked the most was peace.  I found that peace when I committed to follow Jesus.  We sold almost all of our possessions, untangled ourselves from debt and packed our bags to live overseas and started to home-school our children.  I gave up all ideas of having it all or being it all to enjoy the rhythm of family life and later Bible College. 

In the early 2000’s I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and began a journey of addressing my poor physical health.  Struggling to make a difference as I worked out at a local gym, I was overcome with grief wondering if I had brought this on myself as a result of the ridiculous pace of life I kept- trying to have it all and be all.   For a while I relished the luxury of a slower pace of life and the healing that brings. 

Another decade passed and as I look back on those years, I realise that the pace of life picked up very quickly.  During these years our children became young adults and I became middle-aged.  Looking in the rear vision mirror of life I realised I had started to run on that treadmill again.  I still did not have a plan or a dream. Instead of a vague hope of doing more and being more for myself; I was doing more and being more for others and with a vague hope that I was making a difference in the world.  At the end of last year, I was nearly at breaking point.  I was no longer running from my mother’s misery but was instead running from my own. 

Being busy, having a purpose or being on a mission has become a way of life for me; a bias if you like. Unfortunately, I have come to realise it is also a way I avoid my own pain and grief.  As a result of running away from the things I fear I have also denied myself the opportunity to authentically dream, plan and hope for the things I love. 

If I’m not striving to have it all or being all, what then?  Perhaps it’s time for my soul to catch up with my body.  Time to grieve for things lost, to heal from pain; time to dream dreams and plan for my future.  Instead of the world making me something else, perhaps it’s time to be myself.  And with the grace of God, that is enough. 

What good will it be if someone gains the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?  (Matthew 16:26)