Somewhere along the way I have got confused about what love is and I have tried to be kinder than God! (@David Riddell)
I am a slow learner. I have to be reminded again and again how upside down and back to front I have got this loving thing. I have subconsciously believed that because I have tried very hard to ‘love’ others they should reciprocate. And when they do not, I am left believing I am unlovable; so, I try harder to love them back in the hope that they might love me. This ‘love’ comes from neediness rather than out of abundance.
This love is more a counterfeit love than akin to God’s love. God’s love is not a lopsided sentimental love; it is a love balanced with justice. It is a love that does not mean granting another their every desire and it is balanced with consequences.
Some of us in particular have a real problem with this. Many of us slip into this because we are women and have an innate maternal instinct. Others have said it is a post-feminist issue, where we as women over function in our relationships which in turn creates under functioning men. As a parent, we help create young princes and princesses. How we love impacts how we function in our marriages, as a parent, as a colleague and how we function in the community and our churches.
This does not mean we stop caring for others but the problem is when we repeatedly do for others what they should do for themselves! This is actually not loving. In doing so we may also be protecting others from the consequences of their own faulty choices. We can become a stumbling block to the other person’s maturity and unwittingly support their irresponsibility.
Over functioning can include mentally thinking for another by often reminding them of their functions and responsibilities. Physically we may decide it is just easier to do it yourself so we end up doing everything from chores, to meal planning, to banking, shopping, organising and making appointments and even waking them up. Emotionally, we are second guessing and counteracting in an effort to keep someone else from feeling a negative emotion.
When we do for others what they should really do for themselves we are over functioning or rescuing. As a result, we rob the other person of the responsibility of looking after themselves, the sense of accomplishment and competence they could hope to receive and the resulting sense of sufficiency and confidence.
Any wonder our loving feelings crumble and we become resentful and ignore our own hopes and dreams. None of these exemplify love. This is not a sustainable love. It is not a love that can last.
God’s love is a perfect love; it is a deep abiding love that is also just and right. If I; if we, are going to love out of abundance and not out of our own neediness, then we need to first let ourselves be loved by God. How do we do that? That is a question for another time.
Photo by Jez Timms.
This blog post was adapted from a speech I gave on Valentine’s Day several years ago.
I would like to acknowledge the following sources that influenced my message and this blog:
On the Blog! 
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