Reconnecting with my sixteen year old self

This weekend I attended my high school reunion.  Suffice to say it was a long time since I completed year twelve. Whilst the event itself was a special occasion, the memories- or lack of memories of my last year of formal schooling has been quite something else. 

I turned sixteen in the February of my final year in school. My school year was bookended with my mother’s hospitalisation in the January and my bout of chickenpox in November.  I cannot recall very much in between.  The circumstances surrounding mum’s six-week hospitalisation were traumatic and whilst our concern was for her, I have never spoken to anyone about how her burn injuries impacted me.  I wonder if as a result of tucking away this memory I have also tucked away many others as well? 

Tucked away with that particular memory are also memories of many friendships, the girlfriend sleepovers, parties at my place, school dances, and lunch hours under the tree. It was many years ago, but it seems to be another’s story; as if I am watching a movie with someone else in it. 

As I reconnected with friends and school mates of another time, I also reconnected with a part of myself that has been fragmented by a difficult memory.  I also returned to a time just before I left home for university and before I met the boy, who later became my husband.  I returned to another time when I was just me at sixteen. 

I often wonder what I would say to my sixteen-year-old self if that was at all possible. I reckon that I might have told her to have a little more fun; because she was destined to be too serious at times.   I reckon I might have told her to unpack a little more of her dreams rather than feel obligated under the ‘oughts’ and the ‘shoulds’.  Perhaps I would tell her to not be so darn responsible and let others take on more responsibility for themselves.   And then I wonder…would I say anything at all?

Sure, there are things I wished I had done differently.  But the more I reflect on the life I have lived since that year, I reckon I did the best I could. As much as I had hopes for more and at times a different life, there are people I would never have met had I lived another life. I count amongst some of my closest friends three girls I met at university.  Neither, could I imagine life without the two beautiful young adults my husband and I are blessed to call our children. 

I have definitely lost my youth in the years since I graduated from high school. I have also lost my parents.  I feel as if I am not the same person I was back then but then…maybe I am if I pause awhile.  Every now again, as I recall my story and as I consider my dreams I catch a glimpse of the same girl that was once sixteen and before she graduated from high school.  Reconnecting with friends from another time has reflected back to me a little more of the Angela who was before the responsibilities of the grown- up world crowded in. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to reflect on that this weekend, as I reconnect not only with old school mates but also with a part of myself that was tucked away along with memories from the past.  One thing I know for sure is that I no longer have regrets and have much to be thankful for.   This is especially true, as I now journey with a loving God who is able to redeem all of my past and use it for good and his glory.