Confession time! Making lists, including bucket lists are a favourite pastime of mine. Planning and doing though are two different things: although not mutually exclusive. I have come to realise that I am one of those people who are guilty of ‘paralysis by analysis’. There comes a time when I must take a first step rather than thinking, planning, reading or writing about it. Alas, these are habits of mine. I have come to realise I am a person with a rich interior life. It is my natural default to both ponder and dwell. Sometimes the dwelling is unhealthy as resentment festers in the recesses of my mind. Sometimes the pondering results in wisdom and creative solutions. That is not always so bad.
I grew up highly sensitive to conflict around me. Daydreaming seemed like a safe place to go for a little girl who could not always change her world. As she got older she would plan and she would second guess. All this took place in her mind; my mind. These too have become habits of mine. Deep grooves that will take considerable diversions for alternative habits to develop.
Spontaneity, flexibility and going with the flow seem much harder for me than it seems for others. Planned routine and structure are comfortable places. In the past ten years I have been on a journey of facing some of my inner world barriers to freedom and the abundant life Jesus promises. (John 10:10b) With the reassurance that God is there for me and with a sense He is the author of this spiritual and emotional journey I have faced some challenging times that have rocked my need for structure and control of my world.
Some of my childhood ways of staying safe have been challenged and under pressure my shadow side has been revealed. So much so, I have struggled to love or like myself at all. We all have a need to be ‘innocent’. Some people will blame others to maintain theirs. For me I blame myself and try harder to be good, be nice, please others by second guessing their response and their needs, and plan and plot to keep safe. But I am not ‘good’. No matter how much I plan and plot to keep safe or improve myself I will always fall short. I know that I will never be perfect so why do I try so hard?
When I shift my focus from myself and my inadequacies and focus on Jesus and His promises I find an amazing and freeing gift of grace. I can sink into His amazing love and forgiveness purchased by His blood on the cross of Calvary. Only in Him will I find the innocence, and perfection I crave. That truly is a freeing gift to stop striving and know I am lovable and likeable just as I am-in Him! Over the past 10 years I have changed as I’ve allowed Him to change me from the inside out. At times I have felt pressed on all sides and ready to implode. But by His grace I have not.
The Bible talks about refining fire. As the impurities within come to the surface in the heat of the furnace, the dross can be removed and the purer substance remain. I hope through this process I reflect Christ more and more. He and you may be the judge if that. But for me, I have known deep inner healing, a growth in my inner strength and courage and a tempering of some of those inner drivers that seem to urge me along breathlessly. It is good to be still, to know there is an awesome God that loves an imperfect me; loves me enough to guide me through change so I can stop being so rigid and start dancing in the abundance of life He promises. What will it be this year for me? Will I trust Him with my priorities and stop fussing with the details? Will I allow him to co-write my bucket list? Will I look back in a years’ time and say what a ride with Jesus as my guide?
When I pause long enough from my analysis and listen to the still small voice of His Spirit I can hear what He is calling me into and to do. Some of it is scary as it is not comfortable; but that requires faith and courage- something He can provide too. To me, that is my ultimate bucket list adventure: to trust God enough and to take the risks He whispers to me and is calling me to take in those quiet, still moments. But, first I must quieten that mind that is always planning. That’s my resolution for 2018.
Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash
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