The emptiness of an empty nest

I am an empty-nest-er and first became one seven years ago.  The nest is looking a little neglected lately and I have paused to reflect on when I dropped the ball. 

When the baby birds first left the nest, the emptiness was hard to take. So, I busied myself filling the nest again. At first, we accepted a boarder. And then we fostered. We looked after someone else’s baby bird in our nest.  I busied myself in keeping the nest clean, feeding its lodgers and tending its surrounds.    But that season ended too. 

For a while, this big bird worked away. This eased the absence felt in the nest but was also the beginning of the neglect.  Without a full nest, I sometimes wonder if this mamma bird’s heart has stopped beating-just a little. 

Downsizing the nest has been considered. But with nests in our neighbourhood not selling for very much, that idea has been dismissed.  In the meantime, we are rattling around in a nest with room to spare.  I feel guilty neglecting it; especially when I see the spider’s building nests within our nest and dust collect in unused corners.  The surrounds-namely the garden has become a chore rather than a joyful upkeep. 

This Easter weekend the baby birds are returning home to visit. One will bring a wife and the other a pet.  The foster baby bird will come to visit too.  For just a short time, this mamma bird’s heart will beat a little louder and the nest will feel like a home again. 

I know this is a transition time.  Truth be told, I rather like not having to feed others and clean up after others.  I have become used to the space and the quiet.  I have also enjoyed the freedom to visit faraway lands for a while.  But then I return to our nest.  I still cannot shake the feeling that the essence of this space departed when the babies left. 

I have been in this place before.  I wrote about this in “Who am I when not a mother?”  Who is this middle-aged person who stares back at me in the mirror?  Who is she now?  Who is this middle-aged man that sleeps alongside of her?  What will we do with this huge and empty nest? I think it is time to embrace what is next. Perhaps the time is now for me to fly!  

Photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash