Finding Fierce

Finding Fierce

As a parent, a teacher, a leader and a woman who wants to be taken seriously, finding my fierce has not been easy.  I believe as a woman, it is harder than a man to find our fierce. Kicking the nice girl syndrome is the first task.  Perhaps the biggest barrier is overcoming the fear of being called a B*#&!  Sadly, being nice is often synonymous with weak and too much assertiveness-whatever that may be, is considered aggression?  Finding my fierce has been like adjusting a thermostat according to the seasons. In winter people look for warmth and in summer. the cool.  The difference may only be a few degrees, but the adjustment is critical to the environment and the response of those it impacts. 

Returning to teaching this term I am reminded of the importance of finding the right degree of fierce if I am to be taken seriously in the classroom.  Teenagers are great at seeing through bluff and pretence and are ready to test boundaries.  Finding my fierce has had to be authentic and is a matter of degrees. Too much fierce and many resist and some even tremble. Not enough and chaos reigns.  Just how do I find the right level of fierce to keep order, be heard and achieve results? 

I have come to realise that being fierce is not about roaring like a lion but it does involve speaking assertively and expecting to be heard.  It does not involve standing over someone but it does matter how I stand.  It does not mean I have to look ferocious but I do have to look at the other.   Perhaps it is as Marcia Reynolds in ‘The Fine Art of Female Assertiveness” says; it is knowing the difference between forcing your point and being able to persuade people to listen.

Research of 1,100 executive women showed that even women with strong voices struggled in executive meetings to articulate a strong point of view and be heard. Half of the male managers interviewed said these women allowed themselves to be interrupted, apologized repeatedly and failed to back up their opinions with evidence.  Women, they said become defensive when challenged and panic or freeze when they lose the attention of those they are speaking to.  One recommendation is for these women to make their language more muscular by using active words, authoritative statements, taking ownership of their opinions and building on other people’s ideas rather than just agreeing with them. Being fierce it seems is just as much about the tone as it is the words. 

Finding my fierce in parenting was definitely trial and error.  I often shifted on the continuum between passive and authoritarian.  Finding that balance between control and nurture and authoritative and compassionate is equally as delicate as finding fierce in the business world.  Clear boundaries, warnings and consequences along with clear expectations are often easier said than done especially when one’s own personal boundaries are not clear.

Finding one’s fierce has had more to do with identifying your value and what your values are, rather than pretending to be fierce-especially if that is something you are not.  By establishing clear boundaries around one’s value and values, we can then determine the consequences when these personal boundaries are broken. For example, if you truly value being heard, when someone talks over you, you will consider and implement consequences.  You will bring that to their notice and stop talking until they listen to you fully, because you value being heard.

In the words of Margy Warrell, a global authority on brave leadership, “…own your value, stand tall in your worth, speak your opinion and dare to bring your full quota of brilliance to every conversation.”  Let us own our value and find our fierce!

 Photo by Corentin Marzin on Unsplash