The importance of the pause

I have been silent for the last couple of weeks.  I have struggled to find the mental capacity for creative thoughts. Some days after work I do not feel like speaking. When I start writing I struggle to string together a coherent sentence let alone a creative one.  For those close to me, it is hard to believe that I have run out of words.  Perhaps the words are there but I have needed to pause for a moment. Self-care has become a priority.  

When I stop thinking and planning long enough, I begin to feel. And when I allow myself to feel, that feels like grief. I have been sad for all the fractured lives I encounter during my working week.  Sad for the fact I cannot possibly do enough to help everyone I meet. I am sad too, because my own life as a teen parallels some of the lives of the teens I hang out with.  Memories I have chosen to ignore or were locked away have come trickling back, mixed with delayed grief and sobering realisations.  I cry for another time and I cry for now.  I cry for others and I cry for me. 

Some days I just want to hide away and live a quiet life. I have even thought about quitting being a grown up and go back to being a kid. Then I read quotes like this one; “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now.  Love mercy, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it. “(attributed to the Talmud)

And so, I work out, I run, I rest, I read, I take care of myself, I pray and draw strength from the God I follow.  There is so much work to do, that there is not enough of me or the week to finish it all.  Rather than abandon it all together, I do what I can, and ask the Lord to multiply all that I can humanly offer.  If he could multiply loaves and fishes to feed the hungry, why can’t he multiply the little I offer to help others? 

Self-care often feels selfish.  But as Eleanor Brown says “Self-care is not selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”  If I am going to keep running the race set before me, I need to ensure I have something to give at the beginning of each working week. It is important to pause.

Photo by Jess Watters on Unsplash