Under great pressure in my job and marriage last year I was confronted by a side of myself that alienated me in my relationships with others, spilling over into unprofessional and unloving behaviour. I was shocked by the amount of resentment, frustration and impatience I discovered that I had towards myself and others when my expectations were not met. The perfectionist in me was devastated by my imperfections that had surfaced and seemed relentless with their internal pressure. The ‘good girl’ that I had tried to be for all of my life was not very good at all; in fact, she was ugly!
At my best, I have been known as wise, responsible and inspiring; but at my ugliest I am capable of being like a dog with a bone, self-righteous, intolerant and inflexible. None of these qualities I like in others so you can imagine how little I like them in myself.
During this stressful and messy time, I discovered that this ugliness of mine- my brokenness, had been there all along, hidden in the shadow. But that was not all that was hidden from me. Unrealised hopes and undeveloped talents were in the shadow too.
The shadow self is a psychological term and one that is also referred to by a profiling tool called the Enneagram. It is a great metaphor for the parts of ourselves that we are not consciously aware of; perhaps even in denial of or blind too. It is not just the ugly and the offensive that stays in the shadow but there is great stuff as well.
I am abundantly grateful that I belong to a loving God who sees all and knows all; including my shadow self. Filled with shame and self-loathing at my ugliness, I recall praying to Jesus confessing how I struggled to love this self and wondered how others could either? I believe that in my confession and shame Jesus reached down and grabbing hold of my hand he started drawing a shrivelled me from the shadow into his grace filled light.
The wholeness that I seek is impossible with so much of me still in the shadow. To emerge from the shadow, I am to face this unacceptable part that I have previously been blind to. Acknowledging the ugly is not excusing it nor does it endorse it. Trying harder is not the answer either; the more I strive to be responsible the more inflexible and resentful I end up becoming. What I need is the forgiving, healing and redeeming power of the cross; the gift of undeserved Grace and the Good News in Jesus Christ!
There could be many reasons for my underlying anger (yes, that is the word that sums up all those feelings). Sometimes my rights have been violated, other times my needs have not been adequately been met and other times it is a warning that I am doing too much. Harriet Lerner in her book The Dance of Anger says a woman learns to fear her anger because it brings disapproval. Anger exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. I readily identified myself with her ‘nice lady syndrome’. I would rather stay silent, become tearful, be self-critical and hurt than be open to the possibility of conflict. Being ‘good’ is exhausting work. Life has already disclosed to me that I was an unhealthy peacekeeper and an avoid-er of conflict. What I did not know was that by ignoring my anger and shoving it down I had also compromised much of my self. Along the way I had lost the ability to know my own thoughts, feelings and dreams. I had put my energy into reading others reactions and keeping the peace. I was good at feeling guilty but evidently not that good at feeling my anger and dealing with it.
This road to wholeness and finding my voice requires courage and vulnerability to accept the good, the bad and the downright ugly. Grace is needed so I do not slip back into old patterns and beliefs. Even more grace is required to dare to be who God created me to be. It is time to find my voice-to speak up, learn to ask and to own my needs and boundaries. Through prayer and a huge measure of God’s love and grace I am trusting Him to lead me in a new season as I emerge from the shadow.
On the Blog! 