On the Blog!

Category: lifeskills

  • The illusion of being in control

    The illusion of being in control

    If 2020 taught us anything, it is that being in control of our lives is an illusion.  There was little need for a planner last year; my grand plans came to naught.  What does that teach us as we go into 2021? 

    True, the challenges of 2020 are not yet behind us.  Covid-19 has not gone.  I am accepting the fact that international travel plans are unlikely to eventuate this year either.  And there are no guarantees that interstate travel in Australia will happen if recent border closures are an example.   So much of what I have taken for granted, as I have planned my life, has changed, and will stay changed for some time, with far reaching consequences.

    James in the Bible is clear that we do not even know what will happen tomorrow, let alone for the rest of the year.  He says it like this, ‘Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. He continues, ‘Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:13-15)

    At first, I thought, Aw James, but surely the listener set commendable and SMART goals. Afterall, they were specific about where they would go and what they would do. Their goals were measurable, attainable, realistic and time bound. 

    The real issue is not the goal setting per se- as James points out, but the fact that listener failed to acknowledge God and recognise that they were not actually in control of their future.   Now, whether you believe in God or not; many of us know deep down that we cannot control our future – let alone the future of others or the world around us.  And, if we are not in control, and we do not trust in a God who is, that surely only leaves us with chance.  I cannot believe that.

    These verses remind me that even our very lives are not guaranteed beyond each breath that we take. Our life is but a mist, a vapor.  Here one moment; gone the next.  A sobering thought, but nevertheless very real when I consider the lives of loved ones lost in recent years. 

    What does this precious life of mine look like then, when I start my plans and resolutions in 2021 with “If the Lord wills…”?

    I do not believe this means passivity or inaction.  This is more about attitude than actions. James qualifies in the next verse (16) that to not preface our plans with “if the Lord wills” is to be arrogant, boastful, and evil. Ouch!  These are tough words.  How easy it is to forget that we don’t get to govern how long we live or what we achieve with this life we have.  To think so is an illusion.

    It is not powerlessness either. It has nothing to do with giving up any responsibility I have for my life.  It is not permission to blame others or God.  It is an attitude of surrender that evokes humility and thankfulness.  It is humbling to acknowledge I do not get the last say in my todays and tomorrows.  And if this past year has taught me anything, it is that much I take for granted is not guaranteed. What I do have is worth being thankful for, including my very life.  

    I am usually very zealous with new year resolutions and plans. I believe because my goals have been SMART, I have had reasonable success in ticking them off as the year progresses.  I have noticed though, that goal fixation can be problematic for me, even when I include God.  As last year has shown me, it leads to disappointment when I fail to reach them. No matter how much I planned to be in France to walk some of the Camino de Santiago, I couldn’t travel!  The sheer force of striving can also be counterproductive, as my weight loss plans showed. I wanted to lose a chunk of weight because that is good for my health.  However, because of an underlying autoimmune disease, restricting calories and working out harder worked against my metabolism.  So, I failed in reaching my target.  But what if my target was not God’s will this year?  As a friend has pointed out, I gained strength and flexibility! And what about the amazing new friends I made- and reconnection with an old one, who shared the journey with me. That is a lot to be thankful for; even surprised about.

    This year-2021, I will still set goals and make plans but with less fixation. More.important is my resolution to preface them all with “If the Lord wills…”    By holding my goals lightly- and less tightly this year, I am looking forward to more serendipitous moments and being surprised by God!  This time next year, I plan not to ask how did I go with my goals? ; instead, I plan to ask, what was in fact God’s will in 2021?

    Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash

  • Waiting for the ducks to line up…

    Waiting for the ducks to line up…

    I am mad with myself tonight.  My commitment to write this week was delayed as I attended to every matter of things except writing.  Sure, there was a fair amount of social media scrolling going on, but it was mostly other good activities that stole my time.   None were in vain, nor bad; but all were placed in front of the one thing I believe I am to make a priority each week; and that is to write. 

    Only a miracle can make time stand still. There will always be important and significant activities; planned or not, that will demand my time. As a result, I have less time available for my priorities. It is up to me to not get distracted.

    I know we give social media bad press for wasting our time, but I actually think general busyness is a bigger problem.  There is no end of good works, great ideas and opportunities available to get involved in.  The problem for me is how to say no to most of them so I can say yes to the things that are important and the things I am called to do.  My guess is there is a huge chunk of redundant planning, organising and worrying that also takes up my time.

    This week I spent an unnecessary amount of time nesting. We have moved into a new home recently and there is still lots of bare walls, floors and windows to adorn.  I spent a large slice of my time browsing the internet and local shops for ideas and bargains.  As lovely as this is, I am not sure I needed to do this this week. 

    I remember being an undergraduate in university, studying for my final year exams.  Our two-bedroom student unit never looked so clean nor the pot plants so healthy. I wrote a book in my head called “101 things to do instead of studying”. I realise this is straight out procrastination and I knew it!  Unfortunately, as I have gotten older my schemes for sabotaging my priorities have become more subversive. 

    I have this tendency to want to put all my ‘ducks in a row’ before I do the very thing I feel is very important to me and my future.  I feel the need to have everything in order before I can get to the things that are important to and for me. Of course, the little critters are destined to never be in a neat little row; so in essence I am doomed to never to get started. 

    I do not want another decade to go by and find once again I have not had the time to do the things I feel called to.   I know that I must learn to live with loose ends and messiness. That is easier said than done some days.  I must make friends with disappointing others. I also have to get used to feeling a little selfish in order to meet my goals and set my priorities in order. 

    Here’s to a new week and clear priorities.  Irrespective of how tidily my ducks are lined up (or not) and in spite of the many other good things I could be doing; this week I will not be distracted!

  • The benefits of being inefficient

    The benefits of being inefficient

    A little while ago I started wearing a fitness tracker. To my dismay I discovered I hardly moved all day. No surprises really, as most of my work is done at the desk and on a computer.   I set myself up so well that I had everything within my seated reach.  I am the sort of person that would feel guilty walking from my desk to the kitchen to fill up my water bottle without also taking out the rubbish and collecting up any dishes on the way.  I had also begun to purchase my groceries online so I could achieve more at my desk. Someone else ran the aisles for my groceries, packed them in their truck and delivered them to my front door.  I had efficiently and effectively made myself sedentary.

    There has been lots of chatter recently about sitting being the new smoking.  Under advice, I purchased my first standing desk so I can now alternate between standing and sitting. (I could not afford the treadmill desk.)  While this has health benefits it did not really address my inactive lifestyle. If I was going to add more steps to my days routine, I realised I had to give myself permission to become inefficient.

    Along the way I have discovered the surprising benefits of becoming inefficient.  Previously the visitor at my door was an interruption to my workflow. Gulping coffee and snacking at my desk was preferred to taking a break. Now I delight in chance meetings. My digestion is better for eating slowly. My new attitude to life has opened the door to new adventures.   Hyper-efficiency I discovered is the antithesis to spontaneity and serendipity.  It is also bad for my health.

    I am also enjoying kicking the addiction of multi-tasking. Just because I can does not mean I have to.  This type of juggling is not much fun and is stressful.  If this is inefficiency then it has provided a surprising tradeoff. Instead of being breathlessly busy and constantly planning I am enjoying the new singular focus and rediscovered what it means to be present in the moment. 

    I do not think I will ever become totally inefficient and nor am I advocating laziness and disorganisation.  However, in a world that prides itself in fitting more into the day’s schedule I say “At what cost?”  There are benefits to inefficiency.  It took my fitness tracker to remind me of that.   

  • Big thoughts and small talk

    Big thoughts and small talk

    I like to write and am very happy speaking from the front, but take me to a party and I’m rubbish at small talk.  I am comfortable with asking people deep and meaningful questions but out of my depth with light and entertaining conversation.  Sit me next to a stranger on a plane and I will bury my head in a book and put earplugs in to avoid having to make conversation.

    For an introvert-as I am, this is quite normal; though not always helpful. Hiding is not always an option.  Nor is it particularly good mannered.  Evidence points to the fact that not everyone welcomes deep conversations. So small talk is necessary I am lead to believe. 

    Weather gets a bit ho-hum.  Surely there are other people like me that have zero interest in sports.  There is only so much we can tell people about others or our family without breaching their privacy or being a gossip. Too many holiday dialogues sound like a bragging festival or a travel documentary. Does that only leave cute kitten and puppy stories?

    Good small talk does not have to be shallow. Our social media habits have done little to enhance good conversation with their practice of superficial and brief messages.   Perhaps it is time to rediscover the old art of a good conversation. 

    One aspect of making good small talk is preparing and telling a short personal story.  Much the same as preparing and practicing one’s elevator pitch.   Where an elevator pitch might be 30 seconds long, a small talk story can be a minute long.

    Small talk, I have deduced is harder than my big thoughts.  If I opened my mouth and let my thoughts tumble out I reckon I have zero chance of engaging someone in conversation or of being considered interesting. The quality of a good story is as much dependent on the words left in as the words left out. 

    Telling a good story and engaging another person in a light and entertaining conversation is an art.   It takes skill and it takes practice.  How many people do you know that do this well? Possibly very few if you count them when sober. Perhaps that’s why so many people hunch over their phones to tweet or post selfies whilst at a party.

    No matter how ordinary or routine our lives are, no one else has the same story or stories to tell.  Ordinary stories can be interesting if told well.  It is time to harness those big thoughts and create an interesting short story for making superb small talk.  Join me at the next party and let us practice the art of a good conversation together.

  • Kind words are like honey

    Kind words are like honey

    In our land down under where sarcasm is de rigueur I am often left wondering if kind words are considered to be only for the soft and the foolish.   

    The Bible says kind words bring sweetness to the soul and health to the body. (Proverbs 16:24) They sure do to me. Some days I reckon all I hear is criticism, sarcasm or silence.  It feels as if a little more of me shrivels as a result. It is as if my soul and body ache with the pain. 

    I recall some ten years ago after a close relative completed suicide that many people were especially kind to the spouse when they heard. They were generous in business dealings where they had previously been indifferent and hard nosed. They said kind words and were understanding when previously they had been otherwise.  At the time I struggled to understand why they could not do that all the time.  Is tragedy, I thought, the only invitation they have to speak words of kindness?

    I long to hear kind words.  I want to speak kind words to others.  Sometimes I have to tell my inner critic to shut up so I can speak kind words to myself.   

    If the Bible says kind words bring sweetness to the soul then perhaps it is possible we can entice a bitter soul to become less so.  If kind words bring health to the body, why not speak kind words then to others and to our self to bring health and vitality?

    What does it cost us to say kind words?  Is it our cynicism and defensiveness the reason we withhold kindness and opt for sarcasm or silence?  Perhaps we are reluctant to be kind in case the other person is not kind in return.  Instead of practicing our wit and our banter why not practice kind phrases.  Instead of recognizing faults why not look for beauty and good things in a person. Instead of being silent why not be vulnerable and commend another; maybe speak kind words to a stranger.

    Let us be honest, kind words do not cost us money.  Kind words are like honey. Why not spread a little sweetness and good health to another and make kind words de rigueur tomorrow.    

  • When I die, will my inbox be empty?

    When I die, will my inbox be empty?

    We have a family motto “you can go play when the work is done”. The problem for me is that the work to be done keeps growing. The older I grow, the more practiced and efficient I seem to become at making lists and finding things needing to be done; and that is without others adding to the pile. I have multiple email inboxes, an in-basket, a clipboard, many ‘to do’ lists and calendars.  

    It occurred to me one day that I will go to my deathbed and still have not emptied my inbox or finished everything on my lists. Does that mean I never get to play?

    Jesus reminds us that the Sabbath was created for man and not man for the Sabbath. (Mark 2:27) God knew what he was doing when He rested from His work on the seventh day. The Sabbath day is gift and not a duty. It is a blessing for us to rest from our work for one full day, once a week. And that rest surely includes a rest from the oppressiveness of the lists, the various inboxes and in-trays.

    Experience has shown me that when I take a Sabbath to reflect on my Creator and gain an eternal perspective, my focus for the next week becomes clearer.  I am less likely to become obsessed with the irrelevant and overwhelmed by the ‘to dos’. Sabbath’s help me to clarify my priorities and dot point items on the lists lose their urgency and tyranny. Thank God for weekends!

    Sadly I am a slow learner. I confess that it is very tempting to use my weekend to push through and clear the pile or cross off a few more items off the list. And sometimes I do just that. The bit I forget is that before long I lose the perspective I so clearly need. I have also discovered an irony:  as quickly as I efficiently action items, my inbox seems to grow exponentially. If I am going to live and enjoy the days my Creator ordained, I need not wait until my work is done before I play.  It is okay to ignore the inbox for just one day!

    Am I the only one that needs to be reminded of this?