On the Blog!

Category: teacher

  • The importance of the pause

    The importance of the pause

    I have been silent for the last couple of weeks.  I have struggled to find the mental capacity for creative thoughts. Some days after work I do not feel like speaking. When I start writing I struggle to string together a coherent sentence let alone a creative one.  For those close to me, it is hard to believe that I have run out of words.  Perhaps the words are there but I have needed to pause for a moment. Self-care has become a priority.  

    When I stop thinking and planning long enough, I begin to feel. And when I allow myself to feel, that feels like grief. I have been sad for all the fractured lives I encounter during my working week.  Sad for the fact I cannot possibly do enough to help everyone I meet. I am sad too, because my own life as a teen parallels some of the lives of the teens I hang out with.  Memories I have chosen to ignore or were locked away have come trickling back, mixed with delayed grief and sobering realisations.  I cry for another time and I cry for now.  I cry for others and I cry for me. 

    Some days I just want to hide away and live a quiet life. I have even thought about quitting being a grown up and go back to being a kid. Then I read quotes like this one; “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now.  Love mercy, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it. “(attributed to the Talmud)

    And so, I work out, I run, I rest, I read, I take care of myself, I pray and draw strength from the God I follow.  There is so much work to do, that there is not enough of me or the week to finish it all.  Rather than abandon it all together, I do what I can, and ask the Lord to multiply all that I can humanly offer.  If he could multiply loaves and fishes to feed the hungry, why can’t he multiply the little I offer to help others? 

    Self-care often feels selfish.  But as Eleanor Brown says “Self-care is not selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”  If I am going to keep running the race set before me, I need to ensure I have something to give at the beginning of each working week. It is important to pause.

    Photo by Jess Watters on Unsplash

  • What happens when we use light hands?

    What happens when we use light hands?

    Do you hold on with light or tight hands?  Sometimes I think I hold on too tightly to my opinions, my plans, my relationships, my possessions and even life itself.  Sometimes I do not hold on at all. What if we are meant to hold on with light hands? 

    We have two puppies at my workplace that are always being picked up and cuddled, whether they like it or not.  Some people hold on with very tight hands and the puppies can barely wriggle.  Others hold on with light hands.  The puppies never seem to complain but they do hide.  I have noticed that they are more likely to respond to and even come out of hiding for those with the light hands. 

    When we use light hands, we allow space for reciprocity, serendipity, creativity, growth and for grace.  Tight hands are confining and closed and rarely allow any space for movement.  We miss out when we hold on with tight hands. 

    I am a planner and an organiser.  I have noticed over time that when I plan and organise with lighter hands the more room there is for something far greater to develop than I could have ever imagined or designed.  At times it feels and even looks a little chaotic and messy, but it also has the potential for something beautiful to grow.  When I plan with tight hands I squeeze out the opportunity for others to bloom and for the Divine to work in this space. 

    I feel the pressure in work and in life to plan with measurable, quantitative outcomes and as a result feel compelled to work with tight hands to execute these plans. Tight hands are limiting hands and belong to a world of ‘cannots’.  I would need to let go of being right, of getting it right, expecting others to get it right and of making it ‘stack up’.  What if instead, I was to work with light hands to provide a space for others to grow and God’s grace to manifest.  I could focus on possibilities and relationships, foster collaboration and imagination and be delightfully surprised with the result-or not.  Light hands are hands of possibilities and a world of ‘cans’.  As Martin and Golsby-Smith said in their article “Management is much more than science”,  “In the can world, the relevant data doesn’t exist because the future hasn’t happened yet.”

    This week, will you be brave enough to hold life and your plans with light hands and see what develops? 

  • Perfectly Imperfect

    Perfectly Imperfect

    Have you ever met a human that is perfect?  No, me neither.  Why then do we insist on pursuing such an unobtainable goal.  After all, as humans we are multidimensional-physical, spiritual, cognitive and emotional beings.  And then there is the subjective definition of perfection which is mostly a social and cultural construct.  And we know it!  Who has not critiqued social media and media for the unattainable perfection that is presented there? Would you agree with me that the pursuit of perfection is irrational?

    This week, I witnessed adolescents being mean to others about their imperfections when they themselves were glaringly flawed.  One young man, was making fun of the disabilities of others in special education when he himself required assistance.  Looking on I could not help be dismayed about their responses when I knew they themselves sought and hungered for acceptance. 

    In an article on disability and the acceptance of imperfection, Erin Martz says “the anger, avoidance, blame, and stigma that is often heaped upon individuals with disabilities could be explained as a projection of an individual’s own insecurity and non-acceptance of the fact that he or she is also imperfect.”

    Should we be focusing on our imperfections instead?  I do not know about you but that has led me to shame, blame and self-dislike in general, not to mention anxious vulnerability about my inadequacies.  I have noticed that some people start to wear their imperfections with pride. That does not sit well with me either. It’s like saying, I cannot help being a bitch and I am not even going to try to be kind.

    I have been reading about the importance of self-compassion and the link this has to our wellbeing.  According to research, self-compassion deactivates the threat system and activates the self-soothing system.  Instead of being in a heightened state of being; ready to attack or to flee because of threat to our perfectionist self-worth we could instead love others because, just like us they are also imperfect. We are all imperfect with varying degrees of abilities and disabilities across our multidimensional self.    With this approach, there is no need to puff ourselves up nor do we need to put others down.  Perhaps instead we can say, “there but for the grace of God go I.” 

    We are all perfectly imperfect and mostly beautifully broken.  I have a feeling that it takes far more courage to accept this in ourselves than we realise. I would suggest that with God’s help, it is the beginning of being able to truly love ourselves and others.  This week, let us start by accepting and loving our flaws; and in turn loving people better. Who’s with me?

    Photo by Umanoide on Unsplash

  • The importance of old friends

    The importance of old friends

    Twenty-four hours was all we had for four ‘old’ girls to get together.  We four girls started-and finished university together, over 30 years ago.  For nearly four years we hung out together; studied together; some of us lived together; others of us partied together; sometimes we visited each other’s families and we all graduated together in 1987. 

    For twenty of the past years we did not see much of each other.  We moved away from campus, we got married, some of us had children, all of us worked and some of us moved overseas.  Over 10 years ago, we discovered we lived within the same corner of our state and decided to get together for lunch.  After quite a few phone calls and deciding where to go and who would travel the furthest, we managed it and of course enjoyed it. 

    Over the past ten years we have tried numerous times to get together again and occasionally made it happen.  Once we even met up in Sydney, as that was where one of the group lived.  This time, one of our group who lives on the other side of the country was visiting.  With a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with emails we managed to create a 24-hour window for us to meet and stay overnight together.  I would drive over 600 kilometres to meet up with these gorgeous ‘old’ friends.

    During our get together, we laughed, we talked, we ate, we talked some more. There was a little bit of shopping and we did manage even to sleep.  No great expectations. No great plans. Just a time to reconnect and perhaps even to reflect.  As one friend said “it was better than a year of counselling”! 

    Some of our most powerful friendships are made during university or college days.  John Coleman in “After graduating, keep community first” says these times are the most powerful-and the most jarring of times to leave behind, due to the social activity, the friendship, the ideation and discussion that happens in this space.  The only other place I have found the same powerful friendships has been in small Bible study group. 

    Three essential ingredients to forging friendships- and the ingredients that were definitely present for my friends and I thirty years ago, are proximity, repeated and unplanned interactions along with a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.  (Coleman) Evidently, the same essential ingredients are important for us to maintain our friendships too. 

    Friendships are good for our health.  Numerous studies have shown the link between health and community and friendship. Anna Miller in “Friends Wanted” wrote that psychologists have linked greater pain tolerance, a stronger immune system and the lower risk of depression and lower risk of an early death with strong social connections.  A shrinkage of people’s personal and friendship networks along with rising divorce rates creates a sparse social circle for people, which equates to a significant health risk.  Why then do we not prioritise keeping up with our friends? 

    Certainly, for me, distance has made it difficult.  Busyness too.  I also found that while raising my family, I did not always have time to consider my own needs.  I am sure glad that my ‘old’ friends have persevered to carve out a little time once in awhile to meet up again. 

    As much as I enjoy and love connecting with ‘new’ friends in my backyard, there is something very special about my friendships forged when I was a young adult.  I think it has something to do with a time before the responsibilities of life crowded in and before I became someone else’s wife and someone’s mother. It was a time when I was just me! 

    I enjoyed being ‘just me’ during those twenty-four hours I spent reconnecting with my ‘old’ friends.  We have not really changed; and yet of course we have.  Thirty years does that.  One thing that has not changed though is our ability to encourage each other when we let our guard down and confide in each other.  Or maybe it just as Ralph Waldo Emerson says “…one of the blessings of old friends (is) that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

     

     Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

     

  • Finding true north in our work and life

    Finding true north in our work and life

    We were experiencing a crisis in parenting goals and conflict in our marriage as we co-fostered a teenager.  Our support worker sat us down one afternoon and helped us to understand what was going on.  It had to do with our values, he said and how we prioritised and projected ours in raising someone else’s child.  This crisis seemed to centre around whether this young person we were co-parenting, chose to adopt or dismiss our values.  This teenager had to weigh up not only our values, but also the values of his parents and his peers and decide what he would dismiss or adopt.  Tough gig, I reckon!

    How many of us ever really sit down and define what our core values are and whether we need to reconsider which one’s we prioritise-let alone project?  Life Coaching experts Patrick Williams and Diane S. Menendez promise that the meaning we seek and satisfaction we long for, is found when we align our work and life with our core values.  In order to thrive and experience full satisfaction we must be aligned.   This starts with identifying one’s core values. 

    I had a spiritual conversion in my mid-thirties.  My values were overhauled and realigned as I sought to live my life by the values of my family of faith.  I had been raised in a family whose values were aligned with a traditional religious community, so my realignment often involved rediscovering my roots.  The biggest overhaul of values involved throwing out values I had absorbed and prioritised unconsciously from the media and culture I was raised in.   

    Some of the refining that has occurred in recent years has been identifying which of my core values are driven by fear and which by purpose and meaning?  Which have been driven by the need to please others and which by the need to please a Holy audience of one?   The biggest joy has been ‘discovering’ or ‘rediscovering’ the me I was born to be before I tried to be someone else.

    Identifying and choosing our core values are like finding the true North on a compass. Redefining them feels like getting rid of negative magnetic interference and recalibrating this true north.  Finding this will help to find direction for our life and choices. 

    I will be the first to admit, surfacing and naming my core values has not been all that simple.  Most times I am not even aware how they direct my life; but they do direct my life in both habit and action.  It’s times of crisis, like our fostering co-parenting one, that I realise the importance of examining them and considering realignment and recalibrating them.  It is also in times of disquiet that I pause and consider what habits I need to change if I want to align my life and work to my core values. 

    Whose values guide your life?  When was the last time you identified the core values that direct yours?  Maybe the disquiet you feel or the crisis of belief is in invitation to realign or recalibrate and discover your true North. 

    As Jennifer Cummings says “Knowing my true north gives me the courage to focus my energy where I believe it should be, not according to what is popular or pleasing to others.” 

    Photo by Honey Yanibel Minaya Cruz on Unsplash.com

  • Is the Balanced Life a Myth?

    Is the Balanced Life a Myth?

    I grew up with a father who worked hard and gave his work his best.  He was the kind of man who left for work with a half hour to spare in case he got a flat tyre and thus ensuring he would not be late.  Most days he would be half hour early.  He was also the kind of man said “You can play when the work is done.”

    Researcher Ioana Lupu writes that our feelings about work-life balance are shaped by what we saw our parents do.  More often than not, our beliefs and expectations around the right balance between work and family are shaped early on and are subconscious. Our work ethic is internalised from childhood. Of course, people also make conscious choices to not be like their parents.   

    I made some conscious choices as a wife and mother to do things differently to my mother and yet often, I found myself subconsciously doing the same.  Not once though did I question my subconscious beliefs and expectations shaped by my father’s example.    I wonder now if that may have been the reason I have come close to burnout several times in my career and life. 

    Often, we blame the organisation and society for being the obstacle to getting work-life balance and satisfaction.  Lupu’s research highlights that the impediment is also within the individual themselves.  Instead of moving to work at another organisation, perhaps we should consider looking within and locating those internal drivers and subconscious beliefs we have towards work and rest. 

    What I forgot is that my parents grew up in an era where weekend trading was not offered. It was also normal to make Sunday a day of rest and worship.  Working hard all week was balanced with Sabbath rest.  My parents were also from farming families. They understood and practiced the rhythm of seasons. There were times to plant and times to harvest and times for land to lay fallow. 

    We now live in a world where communication technology makes our messages-and us available instantly and accessible twenty-four seven. There is no sabbath or seasons.  How can we play when our work day is never over? 

    We also live in a world where it is more common for women to have a career and a family.  While we aspire to have a more balanced life, many of us continue to work hard like our parents and yet forfeit the family life we seek. Our internal drivers often override the conscious promises we made ourselves and our family. 

    I do wonder though if the pursuit of this balance is not in fact mythical.  It is a bit like trying to catch a fairy.  Being in control of our lives is an illusion.  The sooner we give that up, the sooner we lighten up and enjoy the rhythm of work and rest.  By enjoying our sabbath rest, we give up the need to have everything perfect and may actually get a life in the process.  I think a balanced life does not exist! 

    Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash

  • Finding Fierce

    Finding Fierce

    Finding Fierce

    As a parent, a teacher, a leader and a woman who wants to be taken seriously, finding my fierce has not been easy.  I believe as a woman, it is harder than a man to find our fierce. Kicking the nice girl syndrome is the first task.  Perhaps the biggest barrier is overcoming the fear of being called a B*#&!  Sadly, being nice is often synonymous with weak and too much assertiveness-whatever that may be, is considered aggression?  Finding my fierce has been like adjusting a thermostat according to the seasons. In winter people look for warmth and in summer. the cool.  The difference may only be a few degrees, but the adjustment is critical to the environment and the response of those it impacts. 

    Returning to teaching this term I am reminded of the importance of finding the right degree of fierce if I am to be taken seriously in the classroom.  Teenagers are great at seeing through bluff and pretence and are ready to test boundaries.  Finding my fierce has had to be authentic and is a matter of degrees. Too much fierce and many resist and some even tremble. Not enough and chaos reigns.  Just how do I find the right level of fierce to keep order, be heard and achieve results? 

    I have come to realise that being fierce is not about roaring like a lion but it does involve speaking assertively and expecting to be heard.  It does not involve standing over someone but it does matter how I stand.  It does not mean I have to look ferocious but I do have to look at the other.   Perhaps it is as Marcia Reynolds in ‘The Fine Art of Female Assertiveness” says; it is knowing the difference between forcing your point and being able to persuade people to listen.

    Research of 1,100 executive women showed that even women with strong voices struggled in executive meetings to articulate a strong point of view and be heard. Half of the male managers interviewed said these women allowed themselves to be interrupted, apologized repeatedly and failed to back up their opinions with evidence.  Women, they said become defensive when challenged and panic or freeze when they lose the attention of those they are speaking to.  One recommendation is for these women to make their language more muscular by using active words, authoritative statements, taking ownership of their opinions and building on other people’s ideas rather than just agreeing with them. Being fierce it seems is just as much about the tone as it is the words. 

    Finding my fierce in parenting was definitely trial and error.  I often shifted on the continuum between passive and authoritarian.  Finding that balance between control and nurture and authoritative and compassionate is equally as delicate as finding fierce in the business world.  Clear boundaries, warnings and consequences along with clear expectations are often easier said than done especially when one’s own personal boundaries are not clear.

    Finding one’s fierce has had more to do with identifying your value and what your values are, rather than pretending to be fierce-especially if that is something you are not.  By establishing clear boundaries around one’s value and values, we can then determine the consequences when these personal boundaries are broken. For example, if you truly value being heard, when someone talks over you, you will consider and implement consequences.  You will bring that to their notice and stop talking until they listen to you fully, because you value being heard.

    In the words of Margy Warrell, a global authority on brave leadership, “…own your value, stand tall in your worth, speak your opinion and dare to bring your full quota of brilliance to every conversation.”  Let us own our value and find our fierce!

     Photo by Corentin Marzin on Unsplash

     

  • Wondering about wonder-ing…

    Wondering about wonder-ing…

    Ever felt you spend more time wondering rather than in wonder?  I do.  What ever happened to that little girl who unashamedly expressed her delight and pleasure at some of the smaller things in life? 

    I watched a young boy today playing with leaves that floated in the breeze like the blades on a helicopter rotor.  He was so caught up in the wonder of the moment that his eyes were alight and he did not care what anyone else thought.  He enthusiastically shared a leaf with me and described how they turned and floated with that same light in his eyes.  

    One of my children were like that with lizards.  He took great delight in peering into a garden hoping to catch sight of and even catching a garden skink.  His grandmother and he would spend lots of time wandering and wonder-filled in her garden.  He would get so excited to have a little skink stay on the palm of his hand long enough for him to gaze upon it with wonder. 

    As a child growing up on a farm, my siblings and I would love riding on the back of the farm utility. We would stand shoulder to shoulder with our hands gripping the bar to the rear of the cab.  We would press our faces into the breeze and open our mouths and make noises as the air rushed past.  Our long hair would blow behind us and occasionally whip around our face.  I am sure we may have even sung very loudly-and off key.  We did not care as no one was watching or could hear us.   

    A meme on social media has resonated with me on this topic. It is a picture of a young girl overflowing with enthusiasm and with a caption that reads, ‘Remember her. She is still there…inside you…waiting.  Let’s go get her!”

    A similar picture with a very excited younger girl was captioned “When your flowers start blooming.”  That’s me (and a few of my friends) when I see a rose bud opening up on one of my rose bushes.  Perhaps that younger wonder-filled version of me is in fact still there, not too far away.  Just a little less outwardly enthusiastic and more internally beserk! 

    Perhaps it was the same girl who dug her toes into the ocean’s surface as the long boat skimmed across a bay in the Philippines earlier this year.  A few of us ‘girls’ sat low on a plank seat on the side and took our shoes off, so our toes and feet would skim across the surface of the water creating ripples and a gentle shower of sea spray.  It was a time I stopped wondering and actually was present to the wonder of the moment and the sensory experience.

    We have five senses. Sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch.  For most of us, they all work-some work better than the others.  I am very visual and also spend a lot of time thinking.  That means in the here and now I do not always pay attention to sounds, to what I am tasting, what I smell and even what I am feeling under my feet, through my fingers and on my skin. 

    When I think back to my childhood moments of pure joy and wonder, I get glimpses of living in the moment and experiencing sensory play.  How long has it been since I played in mud?  What would it take I wonder, to regain some of the wonder?  What if I stopped wondering and intentionally focused on all of my senses to recapture some of the wonder? 

    Instead of a sand pit, it could be digging my toes into the sand on a beach.  Instead of play dough, it could be enjoying the sensation of kneading dough. Maybe its taking five minutes to identify the bird songs all around me or to take in the scent of that opening rose bud. Maybe I will savour every bite of my next meal instead of gulping it down.  That’s only the beginning. 

    My next wondering and pondering though is a question I have yet to answer.  As an adult, is going ‘internally beserk’ a sufficient response to wonder? Is it appropriate or even necessary to outwardly express my enthusiasm as I would have unashamedly done as a child?  What do you think?    

  • Ring out the stains of sin and ring the glory in…

    Ring out the stains of sin and ring the glory in…

    Struggling to find words to articulate how much the Easter message means to me personally, I stumbled upon this poem by Fanny Isabelle Sherrick, written at least one hundred years ago.  I hope these words extracted from her poem “Easter” bless you as much as they do me.  

    Ring out, ye bells, sweet Easter bells,

      And ring the glory in;

    Ring out the sorrow, born of earth—

      Ring out the stains of sin.

    O banners wide, that sweep the sky,

      Unfurl ye to the sun;

    And gently wave about the graves

      Of those whose lives are done.

    Let peace be in the hearts that mourn—

      Let “Rest” be in the grave;

    The Hand that swept these lives away

      Hath power alone to save.

    Ring out, ye bells, sweet Easter bells,

      And ring the glory in;

    Ring out the sorrow, born of earth—

      Ring out the stains of sin.

     

    photo from pixabay.com 

     

     

  • The emptiness of an empty nest

    The emptiness of an empty nest

    I am an empty-nest-er and first became one seven years ago.  The nest is looking a little neglected lately and I have paused to reflect on when I dropped the ball. 

    When the baby birds first left the nest, the emptiness was hard to take. So, I busied myself filling the nest again. At first, we accepted a boarder. And then we fostered. We looked after someone else’s baby bird in our nest.  I busied myself in keeping the nest clean, feeding its lodgers and tending its surrounds.    But that season ended too. 

    For a while, this big bird worked away. This eased the absence felt in the nest but was also the beginning of the neglect.  Without a full nest, I sometimes wonder if this mamma bird’s heart has stopped beating-just a little. 

    Downsizing the nest has been considered. But with nests in our neighbourhood not selling for very much, that idea has been dismissed.  In the meantime, we are rattling around in a nest with room to spare.  I feel guilty neglecting it; especially when I see the spider’s building nests within our nest and dust collect in unused corners.  The surrounds-namely the garden has become a chore rather than a joyful upkeep. 

    This Easter weekend the baby birds are returning home to visit. One will bring a wife and the other a pet.  The foster baby bird will come to visit too.  For just a short time, this mamma bird’s heart will beat a little louder and the nest will feel like a home again. 

    I know this is a transition time.  Truth be told, I rather like not having to feed others and clean up after others.  I have become used to the space and the quiet.  I have also enjoyed the freedom to visit faraway lands for a while.  But then I return to our nest.  I still cannot shake the feeling that the essence of this space departed when the babies left. 

    I have been in this place before.  I wrote about this in “Who am I when not a mother?”  Who is this middle-aged person who stares back at me in the mirror?  Who is she now?  Who is this middle-aged man that sleeps alongside of her?  What will we do with this huge and empty nest? I think it is time to embrace what is next. Perhaps the time is now for me to fly!  

    Photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash