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Tag: grace of God

  • Rowing in Circles? Stop and Look up!

    Rowing in Circles? Stop and Look up!

    Once upon a time, there was a man who rowed a boat in circles, until he stopped from exhaustion.  When he looked up and realised what he had done, he wept.  If he had looked before then he may have been able to redirect his strokes, so he could have arrived on the shore at the end of the lake – the very place he set out for in the beginning. 

    This week, I visited my doctor to discuss my general health.  I felt like that man on the lake. I go to work to pay the bills to recover my health, that I sabotaged by working hard in the first place.  Just how do I correct and redirect my strokes, to ensure I don’t end up in that exhausting loop again?  That seems to be my eternal question.   

    They say in business, one should take some time out to work on your business, instead of in it.  Instead of head down laboring away non-stop, one should look up to check one’s bearings, plotting the course ahead; and, preventing going in circles. 

    The New Year is always a good time to plot one’s course.  I’m sure the man in the boat did that also.  The question is, how often should you check on those plans, to make sure you are heading in the right direction? 

    I liken my Sundays to my Sabbath rest; a time in the week to stop work and lift up my head. I like to use this time to fix my eyes on life’s race set before me; checking my bearings and resting up, before starting the course again on Monday. I say like, because that’s my desire but not always what I do.  Unfortunately, I sometimes see Sundays as another day I have available. A day to row a little harder, to push through the hard waters, and remove a few obstacles.  The problem is, if I do that too often, I forget the importance of rest and looking up; and find myself in that same pattern of a circle.

    Experts suggest a number of answers.  It starts with clear goals, made visible, and checked every day. Once a week is important as well.  It helps to keep your goals short and simple; and helps the process stay sweet.  Big picture goals are great.  While, too many details can add to your stress. Who wants to be burnt-out or exhausted, from trying to keep up with all those goals that you set?

    And then there’s grace. As a person of faith I breath in, then out, knowing that I may have many plans, but it’s the Lord’s counsel that will stand (Proverbs 16:21). Without His overall wisdom and will, I may never break out of rowing in circles, or stop setting goals that are impossible to meet.

    Keeping to the analogy, the man in the boat thought it was all up to him.  If only he acknowledged the keeper of that lake, and the currents and that wind that could have worked with him.  Old patterns are hard to break especially for those of us that are used to doing it our way – the hard way.  Working hard is good. Rowing hard – for a while, may help.  But what good is a journey if you stop half way exhausted, and all you do is spin in circles. With God’s help, that man – and I, are pausing mid-year (well it’s nearly mid-year), to reconsider the plan, and commit it to the lake’s keeper.  How’s your year going?  Are you on track, or spinning in circles? 

     Photo by Eugenia Romanova on Unsplash

  • Emerging from the shadow

    Emerging from the shadow

    Under great pressure in my job and marriage last year I was confronted by a side of myself that alienated me in my relationships with others, spilling over into unprofessional and unloving behaviour.  I was shocked by the amount of resentment, frustration and impatience I discovered that I had towards myself and others when my expectations were not met.  The perfectionist in me was devastated by my imperfections that had surfaced and seemed relentless with their internal pressure.  The ‘good girl’ that I had tried to be for all of my life was not very good at all; in fact, she was ugly! 

    At my best, I have been known as wise, responsible and inspiring; but at my ugliest I am capable of being like a dog with a bone, self-righteous, intolerant and inflexible. None of these qualities I like in others so you can imagine how little I like them in myself. 

    During this stressful and messy time, I discovered that this ugliness of mine- my brokenness, had been there all along, hidden in the shadow. But that was not all that was hidden from me. Unrealised hopes and undeveloped talents were in the shadow too. 

    The shadow self is a psychological term and one that is also referred to by a profiling tool called the Enneagram.  It is a great metaphor for the parts of ourselves that we are not consciously aware of; perhaps even in denial of or blind too.  It is not just the ugly and the offensive that stays in the shadow but there is great stuff as well.

    I am abundantly grateful that I belong to a loving God who sees all and knows all; including my shadow self.  Filled with shame and self-loathing at my ugliness, I recall praying to Jesus confessing how I struggled to love this self and wondered how others could either? I believe that in my confession and shame Jesus reached down and grabbing hold of my hand he started drawing a shrivelled me from the shadow into his grace filled light. 

    The wholeness that I seek is impossible with so much of me still in the shadow.  To emerge from the shadow, I am to face this unacceptable part that I have previously been blind to. Acknowledging the ugly is not excusing it nor does it endorse it. Trying harder is not the answer either; the more I strive to be responsible the more inflexible and resentful I end up becoming. What I need is the forgiving, healing and redeeming power of the cross; the gift of undeserved Grace and the Good News in Jesus Christ! 

    There could be many reasons for my underlying anger (yes, that is the word that sums up all those feelings). Sometimes my rights have been violated, other times my needs have not been adequately been met and other times it is a warning that I am doing too much.  Harriet Lerner in her book The Dance of Anger says a woman learns to fear her anger because it brings disapproval.  Anger exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention.  I readily identified myself with her ‘nice lady syndrome’.  I would rather stay silent, become tearful, be self-critical and hurt than be open to the possibility of conflict.  Being ‘good’ is exhausting work. Life has already disclosed to me that I was an unhealthy peacekeeper and an avoid-er of conflict.  What I did not know was that by ignoring my anger and shoving it down I had also compromised much of my self. Along the way I had lost the ability to know my own thoughts, feelings and dreams. I had put my energy into reading others reactions and keeping the peace. I was good at feeling guilty but evidently not that good at feeling my anger and dealing with it. 

    This road to wholeness and finding my voice requires courage and vulnerability to accept the good, the bad and the downright ugly.  Grace is needed so I do not slip back into old patterns and beliefs. Even more grace is required to dare to be who God created me to be. It is time to find my voice-to speak up, learn to ask and to own my needs and boundaries. Through prayer and a huge measure of God’s love and grace I am trusting Him to lead me in a new season as I emerge from the shadow.