I journaled at the end of last year, I feel that deep down I am missing stuff. Life is not slow enough… not wondrous enough… not worshipful enough….
This has been my heart’s yearning for a long time, but despite my best intentions, I often overcommit and over function and instead of paring back like I should, I crank up efficiency and organisation. Now sometimes this is a strength, but I have come to realise that what I lose in doing so, is sometimes far greater than what I gain. Very soon I become fixated on my goals, and my world shrinks and along with it my joy and all these things I yearn for.
Frank Dimitri (2018) says that “Wonder is the impulse behind scientific, and philosophical inquiry, artistic creativity and spiritual yearning.” While we have all experienced wonder as a child and at least once as an adult, the reality is that it often becomes blocked- perhaps even used up as we get older. I discovered during some research, that if I wish to be open to experiencing wonder, I must be mindful of my senses. That means going slow enough and being mindful or open to experiencing the depth of my sensory experiences. Too often I shovel food in my mouth without tasting it, rush a shower without feeling it or rush throughout my garden tending it, without smelling the roses. No wonder I am missing ‘stuff‘ and feel my life lacks wonder and I yearn to be worshipful.
For the past ten years, our family have often holidayed on the Great Barrier Reef. I remember the first time I saw baby turtles hatching and held one of those leathery tiny creatures in the palm of my hand. I recall standing in wonder, watching the hatchlings scramble for the ocean in the moonlight. Fast forward several trips later, and I lamented my lack of wonder, having seen this sight many times. It took a child, filled with joy and delight at the sight, to challenge me to reactivate mine.
For a long time, I have relied on the promise of travel to bring relief to my everyday busyness and fixation on doing. Without realising it I have sought new adventurous experiences to fill my senses and activate this wonder, which fuels my sense of worship. What can be considered culture shock in a foreign land, I have come to draw on to fill my sensory ‘wonder’ bank with new smells, tastes, sounds and sights.
I have been lamenting for too long now, that this global pandemic has thwarted all my plans for travel. I woke up one morning in the new year and decided ‘if I can’t go wide with travel, I am going to go deep with the life I have’. I am still working out exactly what that looks like and how to reduce overload and overwhelm. The early birthday gift of a puppy we called Daisy has helped me to make a change. Daisy has been my invitation to go slow. I wonder at her energy in her little body. I smile at her antics, draw in her puppy scent and giggle like a child when she licks and wriggles. I marvel at this cute creature, part of God’s creation. I believe that while it is true that worship can lead to wonder; I am discovering that wonder leads to worship.
It feels a lot like mining meaning in what it is front of me, instead of seeking more.and more. Perhaps that is exactly what going deep means. Instead of finding the shiny at the surface, I can dig deep and find the riches there. I am looking forward to a year that includes more of slow, more wonder and more worship.
Photo by Hulki Okan Tabak on Unsplash
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